Clueless B2B Marketer’s Manifesto

It does not matter if you have tuned in to B2Bento just recently or if you are an avid reader since the beginning … you can all rejoice because you are definitely NOT among those to which the title of this pointed article pertains to. Unfortunately, the fact remains that they exist among us, just like the zombies in the Walking Dead. And even if we are not in the midst of a zombie-apocalypse-like-scenario, where clueless people outnumber the logical ones and then eat their brains out, the very thought that they are everywhere sends shivers up my spine.

The wonderful folks at Velocity came up with a seriously awesome B2B Marketing manifesto and if you have read it, please forgive me because this post is in no way meant to dampen your spirits. I just have to get these almost-claustrophobic feelings off of my chest. And without further ado, here goes the top 5 items from the “Clueless B2B Marketer’s Manifesto”:

1. “I have no original marketing ideas. Idea generation is a duty of agencies. I manage the all-encompassing and all-powerful marketing budget. I am a glorified marketing administrator and proud of it. Booyah!”
2. “I don’t have to keep myself up-to-date with marketing technology. I don’t know what lead nurturing, marketing automation, landing page optimization or analytics means and I don’t care! The last time I had to learn marketing was when I was still in university and I was cramming for an exam. RSS feed – what’s that? As far as I know, bloggers are the nerds who live in the attic of their mother’s house. For crying out loud, how are they relevant then?”
3. “My gut is much wiser than my brain. If a leader of the free world can run a whole country by following his gut, then so can I! It’s just a little marketing campaign! My focus group (of 2) consists of me and my 5 year-old son and that is all we will ever need because he is a very intelligent boy. Whoever said that I need to develop any buyer’s persona or do some ABCDEF testing should be shot!”
4. “I know all about social media. I have a Facebook account! p.s. Please add me.”
5. “I believe in print media, trade shows and other ‘proven’ channels for marketing. They have worked so well for so many years! Don’t break things that are old (or something like that). Besides no one was ever fired for using traditional channels. You say that digital marketing generates clear black and white ROI. I say that it’s too risky. Deal with it.”

Obviously you can tell that I am venting in a very sarcastic tone. But take comfort from the fact that it’s not pointed towards you nor at anyone or at anything specific for that matter. Take this as something close to a cautionary tale in the spirit of telling tales during Halloween … even if we are a couple of days late. Hey, it’s better late than never right? Fortunately for me, most of the clients and partners that I get to work with are really cool. And the best thing is that they absolutely get it … unlike the clueless zombies who are just out to get a piece of our “braaiiinnnnsss”.